Pregnant, 36 Weeks 4 Days

Yeah, it's official:

I am ready to be done with being pregnant.

I am so uncomfortable most of the time. I miss being able to walk without hip and back pain, at a normal speed, without looking and feeling like a walrus. I miss getting a good night's sleep. I miss having any measurable amount of energy.

The number one thing I am looking forward to, however, is getting rid of this excess weight. Yes, it's for a good reason, and I wouldn't say I've gained an  excessive amount of weight. (24 pounds isn't that bad). The thing is, I now weigh more than I ever have before, and it is really hard on my body.

Of course, this pregnancy has been different from all previous ones in many ways. The morning sickness bad enough to require Zofran, the kidney stones incident, the depression, the contractions...

Oh, the contractions. Real ones, but without consistency or increase in  intensity. Sure, there's a pattern - at night, for 2 - 3 hours, they're every 20 - 30 minutes. I've never experienced real contractions before. I had a planned induction with kid #1, and had to be induced with kid #2 because my water broke, but I wasn't otherwise in labor. Hence, my only experience is with Pitocin contractions... and only as long as it took to get the epidural. This is definitely different.

Anyway, I'm rambling.

One positive thing I've gained from this pregnancy is in letting go of pride to ask for help. After my request on Facebook, I've recieved many offers of help. My lovely friend Shauna, my brother Curtis, his wife Heather, and of course my mom, have all contributed to my house being cleaner. I also recieved a meal after my hospital stay for kidney stones, and recently, a little treat... thanks, ladies! I am so grateful to them for their help, and to the many other people who have offered.

As of today, 24 days until my due date! I'm still hoping for baby to decide to come in that magic, most convenient window of June 15 - 21. However, this baby has already been my difficult child, so nothing would surprise me at this point.

Next up, the answer to the burning question: boy or girl? Malcolm or Felicia?

Stay tuned!

Why I Don't Do Drugs

Hollywood has lost another talented actor. Philip Seymour Hoffman died of an apparent drug overdose this morning. He was 46. I loved him in Almost Famous, and enjoyed his now never-to-be-reprised role in Hunger Games Catching Fire.

However, he was an idiot.

Let's examine this subject, shall we?

Celebrities who overcame drug addiction:

Robert Downey Jr -my hero!-
Mark Wahlberg
Drew Barrymore
Elton John

Celebrities who we're expecting to die from drug overdose any day now:

Lindsay Lohan (maybe it's because no one would care? Lol)
Rhianna
Charlie Sheen

Celebrities who died of a drug overdose or issues related to extreme drug use:

Judy Garland
Corey Haim
Brittney Murphy
River Phoenix
Heath Ledger
Philip Seymour Hoffman
*and the two real peoe he's best known for portraying: Lester Bangs and 
Truman Capote
Whitney Houston
Jim Morrison
Marilyn Monroe
Janis Joplin
Jimi Hendrix
Elvis Presley
Coco Chanel
Chris Farley
Howard Hughes
Thomas Kinkade
Bruce Lee
Billie Holliday
Sid Vicious
Billy Mays

Point made?

An drug-altered state of consciousness does not appeal to me. Maybe it's because I'm too much of a control freak to allow something else to have control over me. Maybe it's because, for all the psychological problems I've had, fixing it with drugs has never interested me. 

I get that celebrity life is hard in many ways. Your life is not your own, you have zero privacy, and you're held to ridiculous standards of perfection that no ordinary human could posdibly manage.

However, there have got to be better ways of dealing with the pressure. Yoga, meditation, religion, exercise, yelling at paparazzi, buying and escaping to a private island, taking a stand for whatever cause you believe in.

Don't do it, celebs. Say "no" to drugs. Take advantage of your spot in the limelight and set a good example for the rest of us.

Pregnancy, 17 Weeks

Today I am 17 weeks 1 day pregnant. I had an appointment yesterday, and the baby's heartbeat sounded good. I mentioned the frequent headaches that I've been having, but my doctor was vague in her comments about it. I'm guessing that if it is pre-eclampsia (which I had been wondering about), it must not be anything to worry about for now. I go back for another appointment in 4 weeks, at which time I will also have the well-known mid-pregnancy ultrasound.

I am a little nervous about that ultrasound, and it has nothing to do with the baby's gender, since we've decided to not find out. I am nervous about checking on the placenta. Has it moved out of the way, or do we officially call it placenta previa? If so, here comes c-section #2. I'm okay with that, I think. There are worse things than a repeat c-section.

I wish I could say this pregnancy was getting easier in the second trimester, but it's not. I have the stretching pains, the round ligament pains, the itchy stretch marks, the braxton-hicks contractions, back pain, headaches, mood swings, congestion, occasional nausea, sometimes serious depression, and the inevitable exhaustion. Oh, and let's not forget that I still get a horrible aftertaste if I eat any dairy other than yogurt or cheese. I really miss milk and ice cream. I am convinced that this baby is going to be the difficult one, seeing how he/she already is at not quite halfway through my pregnancy.

Simon has been my sunshine lately, and I am so very grateful for him. He is always excited to see me. He gives me lots of hugs and kisses, and always has to throw in a hug and a kiss for the baby as well. He is so excited for the baby. He frequently asks how many more days, or how big the baby is now. He even says nice little things to me when I am having a bad day. How does a six-year-old learn all this? My heart is bursting with pride. He has made the bad days bearable, and the good days wonderful.

I have 159 days until my due date, and after a miscarriage with pregnancy #3, I am grateful for every day I am still pregnant.

New Year's Resolutions for 2014

Here it is, a little late. My resolutions for 2014. I am not resolving to lose weight, since I will be pregnant for half the year anyway. I am not resolving to be more spiritual, because that is an ongoing process that I can't achieve through a resolution.

1. Develop better cleaning habits.

I hate cleaning, and I am not very good at it. I am determined to find ways to make it easier on myself, and developing better cleaning habits is a major part of it.

2. Become more confident in being different.

I have come to accept that I am different. I don't want to be "crunchy". I dislike most cooking. I don't teach my children sign language. I would never subject myself to cloth diapers. I posess neither skill nor patience for gardening. I hate romantic books and movies. Lately, I have been feeling like I must be defective because of all this. Pinterest can be useful, but it also causes women to feel like we all have to be Martha Stewart. I resolve to embrace what I am instead of worrying about what I am not. I am not Martha Stewart.

3. Simplify my life.

I hate feeling rushed. I don't tolerate stress well. I feel certain that simplifying my life will help. So I resolve to get rid of stuff I don't need, say "no" without guilt, and develop a zen approach to life. I found a website I'll be using for this.

Wish me luck!

I Survived 2013!

I am relieved to say that I have survived 2013. The first half was fine, but the second half has been a very intense roller coaster.

I survived money problems. Barely.

I survived the miscarriage of pregnancy number three, but more importantly, I survived the emotional black hole that followed.

I have so far survived pregnancy number four, and believe me, it has been worse than previous pregnancies. I have survived being so nauseous I needed Zofran, the headaches, the dizziness, the inevitable fatigue, and the extreme hormonal mood swings.

I survived Christmas. I don't know how, but I did.

As the year ends, ponder this: sometimes saying you survived something is as good as it gets. It's not " I won the lottery", but it's something.

To sum up, here's an appropriate song:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tWMv6VHaiBs&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Thanksgiving Day Gratitude

I know I complain a lot, and I certainly spend a lot of time wallowing in envy. I really am grateful for what I have, it's just hard for me to see the god things sometimes. Here's my list:

* I have a house, with a roof that doesn't leak and windows and doors that (mostly) keep out the cold.

* I have plenty of past travel experiences to remember fondly any time find myself staring forlornly at the suitcase I haven't used in far too long.

* Even though I've had, and am still having, financial problems, the situation really could be so much worse.

* My kids are happy, healthy, intelligent, imaginative, energetic, and loving.

* I have an awesome husband who is funny, creative, a great dad, a hard worker, an excellent travel companion, appreciates my eccentricities, and is understanding of and patient with my irritating quirks, both big and small.

* People all over the world who serve others, in big ways and little ways. They give me hope that there is kindness and compassion out there.

Judgemental Rant

Hey, I'm human, I judge others. I just usually keep it to myself. Today, not so much. Some things just really irritate me. Here's my list:

** Women who think they should be able to walk around in low-cut, super short, skin-tight clothes without getting gawked at. If you choose to put it on display, you are inviting people to look.

** People who insist that all Muslims are terrorists. Give me a break. Are all blacks criminals? Are all hispanics drug dealers? It's the same thing.

** Liberals who believe in free speech,  but only when what's being said aligns with their views.

** Any parent who doesn't teach their child basic manners.

** Any parent who gives their child a name that is impossible to spell and/or pronounce.

** Any person who thinks the world should revolve around them. (There are far too many of them these days.)

** Anyone with bad cell phone habits... i.e. not ending a call before going through a drive-through window or a check-out line, texting while driving or walking, not turning your phone off during a performance of any kind, not using headphones in a public setting (bus, store, break room). Seriously, people, there's more to life than your phone.

** People who get "facts" about a person or group of people from anywhere other than that person or group of people.

** People who believe every rumor they hear. Especially the internet rumors.

** People who assume that their way of doing things is the only way. This especially applies to moms. Moms are the worst at this.

** People who assume they know something about me without actually trying to get to know me.

** People who refuse to believe a disease or medical condition exists and insist that the person in question is just being lazy, or is complaining too much, or just wants attention, or should be able to "snap out of it."

Coming soon, a list of things I'm grateful for.